Dear Reader,

For the first few posts I was going to share some older writing, but reading through some of it was unbearably embarrassing so we’ll see if that actually happens. But this I’ll give you, one of the oldest I haven’t deleted actually.

This is from October 25 2023, in my notes app as “love is hard” (fun fact, my fiancee and I officially started dating 2 days after I wrote this)

Something I’ve always struggled with is the question “what do you love about them?” Or “why do you love them”

It’s hard to answer, and I always feel guilty when I don’t have a list. Like I need to justify caring about someone.

A few months ago I told a therapist I was probably the closest with my mother out of all the people in my family, and he asked what I like about her. I didn’t have an immediate answer. I love my mom, but why? Why is it hard to put into words? It like digging around in the emotions to find something concrete, I can list off facts about her, and things I admire her for but that doesn’t feel right. Holding someone in high regard isn’t love, or it’s not a reason for love.

I guess, the question is why do I have to justify love? Or even more fundamental, what is love? I don’t need a reason to love someone, there’s not some thing that a person needs to be or do to deserve love. When I say I love you, what I’m saying is deeper than “you have value to me”. While that’s true and can be part of love, there’s something deeper there, something beyond words or feelings, true connection with a person, or at least the desire for it.

I don’t know if that makes sense.

What is love?

A promise to care about you, to be kind and there for you?
Or is love a consequence of understanding and accepting a person?
I don’t think it’s possible to truely see a person for themselves and not love them. If you open yourself up to the kind of connection that allows you to know and be known, the vulnerability that requires and the connection you create, is that love? Is love understanding?
I feel as though I’m dancing around the edge of understanding something

Love is kind, gentle, accepting, supportive, has your best interests in mind, honest. Or rather these are things love does. Symptoms of love if you will

I don’t know, there’s something here, there’s a sort of poetry to it that’s just beyond my reach